Mommy Diaries - 9 : My Baby turns 7

This little child , whose birth has been the most prominent experience in my life ever and whose birth I can still remember like it happened just yesterday. Her eyes , that is her first feature that my eyes captured when she came out. She was like a tiny tadpole put onto my breast and wrapped in a white towel.

She is turning Seven. With what I started off , one of the not-so-good phases in my life during her birth , we are far away from it now. I feel blessed. Just to be able to see her grow up like this. And at this juncture , I now want time to stop. Please can time stop , so that my baby stops growing up so quickly ? A day gone will never come back and now is the time that I feel or realise it the most.

Dear Mahati,

You turn Seven today. I want to start off my telling you that I love you more than you love me and this will always be true. You will understand this when you become a mother yourself. You have become such a responsible person. You don’t hurt people intentionally , you are not rude , you are kind of organised ( I love this !! ). Yet you are strong , very strong to the extent that Mamma feels that you are stubborn. You only let people in when you feel the need to. You don’t feel the need to please people like me all the time. You are perfectly okay in your own space and that the most important thing that I am loving about you right now. You were not at all expressive in your initial years but that’s changing rapidly. Thankfully , now you talk to me about your day at school and you definitely let me know when something bothers you.

This year has been so amazing in so many ways. You entered Grade 1 , the first major step towards mainstream school with a school uniform and a schedule in class. You are doing well. Your dear teacher Vicky says that though initially you took your time to warm up to her and to the class in general , you are now very comfortable and convey your needs very clearly to her. I know how much you love your teacher.That’s awesome.

This year , you started off with phonetic sounds and started reading and writing and progressed throughout the year. You can now read little story books and of course you are the Mental Math Queen. I can’t wait for the International in December. Though you have always done very good at UCMAS , you are always scared and not very confident in your performances. We are working on it together , to build your confidence that whether you win or lose doesn’t matter , what matters is that you have fun in the process. You are more worried about winning and we are trying to slow you down to experiencing it and “just be” in the moment. I wrote this paragraph just so that you can read it later in life and look at how beautifully you have progressed ( yes I am damn sure you will ! ). Always remember , winning is never the goal. The goal is to do what you like and enjoy doing it.

Dadda is missing your birthday this year but the good thing is Ammamma , Tata and Vissu Mama are here to celebrate it with you. Madhuri atta sent eight gifts. Seven of them because this is your seventh birthday and the eighth one for entering your eighth year. You lucky chap , for receiving so much love from all quarters. So that’s why we decided and gave away half of the toys that you already have, making space for new ones.

Attaching some prominent pictures , which show you how much you have progressed in writing and expressing !! Happy Birthday to the apple of my eye !!

Her Swimming teacher moved back to Israel and this is what Mahati wrote for her

This picture is particularly close to my heart. I gave you a Rhino key chain which you had it on your school bag but the lost it. And for some known reasons, I was very upset and scold you for not being careful and then that evening , you have me this and hid in your room.

It says , "Mahati Sad , Mamma Mad and It was an Accident"

I am so sorry for not being more patient with you Mahati - From Amma

Love you more,

Amma.

Commonalities between Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi

This is my entry for an Essay Writing Competition ( word limit of 500 )conducted by India Club South Africa ( July 2018 ).

Nelson Mandela and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi need no introduction.

Despite being born in very normal families and biased circumstances, Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi chose to be otherwise. Any person can continue the legacy of their ancestors, there is nothing great about it. But only people with iron-will can challenge the age-old existing ideologies and choose humanity and equality above everything else. Conflict is always life threatening and mind numbing. Being born in an era of conflicting times and still being able to maintain focus and have clarity on the path forward, is what has made them great leaders and visionaries.

Gandhiji was thrown out of a train at Pietermaritzburg, South Africa because he was dark-coloured, or rather let me put it this way, because he was not white. This incident played a very important role in re-enforcing what Gandhiji believed in and led him to fight against discrimination of Civil Rights in South Africa. And this later paved the way for his fight and struggle for an independent India, his motherland. Satyagraha was the philosophy adopted by Gandhiji in both South Africa and India. It means “peaceful resistance” or fighting for a cause in a peaceful manner.

Madiba fought against the racial discrimination against black people his whole life. He fought to bring in equality amongst people and supported free will and democracy. In a country like South Africa and at the times that he was born in when racial discrimination was at its peaks, just thinking about equality and free-will was such a costly dream. But he still made it come true! His speech at the Rivonia Trial, which was inspired by Castro’s “History will Absolve Me” was widely reported by the press despite censorship and moved people to no end.

The greatest thing about both these human beings is that they believed in humanity above everything else. Both of them fought for independence and democracy. That no matter what colour your skin is, the colour of your blood is still red.

Despite intense provocation, they never answered racism with racism and violence with violence. They chose the opposite and they dared to be different. It takes a lot of courage to call a “spade” a “spade” and that is exactly what they did, their whole lives, leading by example.

South Africa has been the life-changing and a compelling reason for both of them to travel the path that they had chosen. And boy did they win in the end…….

My Child is growing up……….

So fast. And I really miss this baby and toddler Mahati. These days whenever she sleeps, I can’t help but sit beside her with emotions so strong that they are threatening to burst out of my eyes.

This nostalgic feeling of the peacefully sleeping daughter but at the same time , how much she has grown. She is not a baby or a toddler anymore and I really miss that phase of hers. That phase in my daughter’s life is gone forever and will never come back.

I can’t imagine this day would come when I would really put it into words and grieve the loss of that baby phase so much. I miss those cutie cutie pronunciation of the words , I miss that feeling when she slept on my lap when I sat cross legged in a lotus position. I miss that feeling whenever I picked her up and she would rest her legs on my tummy. I miss those moments so much that it actually hurts.

Why are we parents in such a hurry for the children to grow up ? These phases in her life are never going to come back. And just looking back the pictures and videos is just not enough.

Why couldn’t I just slow down a bit when she was small and enjoy things in a much more relaxed way? Why was I always in a hurry to get things done and get through the day ?

May be I could persuade the days to be a bit longer and the nights to be a bit shorter…………….. just may be !!!

She is a girl now , not a baby girl any more.

So I enjoy the feeling of co-sleeping much more, without any guilt now-a-days because no matter how much you try , your baby will still grow up and get her own room and sleep separately.

So I enjoy and look forward for her to come back from school and chat , because no matter how much I try , she is definitely going to grow up , study and leave the house for higher studies or for a job.

And I am reminding myself that there are only so many more days that she is going to ask for my help and my opinion , because there will definitely come that day when she doesn’t need them anymore.

Damn , there will come that one day when she will not need me any more………

Sanju - Some personal thoughts !

I wouldn't want to comment on Sanjay Dutt's real life and how well the film justifies his real life. I am not here to judge the correctness of whatever was portrayed from Sanjay Dutt's real life. I left all of that to the wind and just went to watch it as a film with a fictional story and to just enjoy the film as a film.

In the entire film , I only saw Sanjay Dutt and never once did I remember that Ranbir Kapoor was the one portraying it. I guess this is the biggest compliment that an actor can ever get. That the audience get involved into the character that is being portrayed so much that they forget the one portraying it. I cannot say anything further. Ranbir Kapoor is GOD. Period !

Raj Kumar Hirani's films are filled with emotions and there is never a dull moment. And this is what I like the most. This film definitely doesn't disappoint from an "entertainment" point of view and from a "human values" point if view. The relationship between the father and son is something that every parent must watch and learn. Because no parent is perfect and no child is perfect. It is ugly and messy , yet so fulfilling and satisfying. Parents have so many expectations from their children that it is but natural that children bear the brunt of it. And we cannot blame the parents because all they want, is to see their child succeed. I guess being the child of a successful father is so difficult. The weight of the expectations pulls you down so much and all you want is a normal childhood and to be a normal child.

It is so important for parents to let children be. And it is so important to acknowledge that we accept them for who they are and not what we want them to be.It is so important to tell a child that he is good enough. Otherwise , they spend their whole life trying to achieve something that might not satisfy their needs or happiness but makes them look good enough in their parents eyes or the society's eyes. This will destroy them.

There are so many such moments in the film which make you think hard and move you to the core.

Friendship is another aspect that is shown so beautifully.The character of Kamli was so refreshing to watch.His concern for the friend , his non-judgmental attitude and above all his selfless love for the other person just melts your heart away.We all need that one friend in our life who will never judge and who will never leave your side no matter what. No matter what life throws at you , it is friendship that makes it all bearable and do-able.

There are life lessons which are the biggest take-away from the film.
A parent who does anything and everything for the son. A son who always looks out for the image of the father. A friend who is indeed a friend in need. It is such a normal movie but still special in so many ways.

Having said that, I have to re-iterate that I definitely don't know what Sanjay Dutt did or did not do in his real-life or whether he deserves this benefit of doubt etc.

Go watch the movie for Ranbir Kapoor and Raj Kumar Hirani.

Gratitude Journals - 3

I have to remind myself of how lucky I am you know :). There is one such event which I would like to remember for long and would want Mahati to know as well. Last weekend , we went shopping for Mahati's summer clothes, clothes in general. It has been a while since we shopped for normal day to day clothes. And thank god for it , but I didn't even need to look at the price tags. We almost went with an open budget and we just chose freely , taking whatever we like and dumping them at a place and then finalizing at the end.

But I must tell you , there were some days when Mahati was very small when we are quite tightly squeezed for money. I still remember going to the same shop in the mall with just R150 in my hand and wanting to buy some frocks for her. I spent almost a half an hour or more , just looking at the prize tags and calculating and checking for permutations and combinations to see how much more can I buy with that money.

You see , these experiences are important. Because that's when you realize the importance of what you don't have , when you finally have it. You see , nothing is permanent.

I am thankful to God for giving us this day. Because it is so much more fulfilling. These little things in Life !!!! :)

Mommy Diaries - 8

Dear Mahati,

Today let’s talk about beauty. It is such a complicated concept you know. But still, I want you to try and understand what actual beauty means. Beauty is not wearing a good dress, beauty is not wearing perfect shoes and beauty definitely doesn’t lie in wearing good necklaces and bangles. Beauty lies in respecting the other person, beauty lies in being sensitive to the other person’s feelings, beauty lies in helping people and trying to bring a smile on their faces. It is so tough to recognise this kind of beauty in a person but being beautiful means not being beautiful on the outside but being beautiful inside , having a kind heart and treating people for what they are worth – there is no reason why you shouldn’t consider another person’s feelings and disregard them. I want you to know that a person is beautiful when he does good things.

Outside beauty is so over-rated. I hate the attention they get and I am left wondering how they single-handedly captivate the other person’s attention just with the way they look. You can try it for yourself, these days social media is such an easy access. Try positing a beautifully written story and see how many likes it gets and try posting a well-dressed picture of yourself and see how many likes it gets. The post with your picture will definitely win. And with that you get the drift, you have absolutely no idea how the person behaves or what his or her personality is, yet the picture wins. Un fortunately that is how the world is.

The popular perception might win, but it doesn’t have to be right. Dare to be right and dare to be good. Always try to understand what a person actually is, how he talks, how he behaves , how he treats you especially. Compassion is becoming a rare thing. Irrespective of how he or she looks, observe how they treat a waiter at a restaurant. It’s says it all. Any fool will respect a person at a honourable position, but only a good-hearted person respects even a waiter at a restaurant and only a beautiful person inside-out will respect the watchman at your doorstep.

Invest in people who are good at heart and who are beautiful in character. Outside beauty always fade, remember that nothing in this world is permanent and among them your body is the first thing that never stays the way it is. One fine day when you are gone, people talk about what you did to make a difference in the world and not how you looked.

As your mother, I have to tell you these things you see. I have to jot them down somewhere, where you can see them even when I am gone.

Love you always!! :)

Gratitude Journals – 2

20^th August 2017, Mushroom Park: One of the ever peaceful sights that I could capture. This is probably one of those pictures where the picture captured less than what I felt at that point of time. I am so grateful for this date and time in my life. Mahati and myself went to Mushroom Park to enjoy the sun and sand on a ridiculously cold afternoon. And just that morning, I bought her a small pocket diary at CNA which fascinated the kid so very much that it surprised me. She spent almost the whole day writing in that book. So here we are sitting under the sun, the both of us , lost in our own thoughts and the kid jotting them down in the book. The amount of peace and gratitude I felt at that moment is so hard to put into words. Mahati, so comfortable and in peace with herself, sitting in a quiet corner completely lost in her own world. And I desperately drinking in the sight like a traveller at an Oasis. God bless us with more of these days.

Killarney Mall in the morning at Europa :

Mommy Diaries - 7 ( Picture Post )

2 Days late at posting this. Independence Day 15th August 2017.

The Indian Daughter-In-law

In India we have this patriarchal system in our culture where after marriage a woman needs to now move into or belong to the Husband’s family. She is a “Paraya Dhan” which means that she is somebody else’s asset from the beginning.  Let’s look at it from different angles.

Probably around 70 years ago :

Young girls were married off at the very young age of 10 or 12 years old , sometimes after the girl attains puberty and sometimes even before the girl attains puberty. So at a very young age her perspective is set, she now knows that she has married somebody and belongs to that family and settles down as a part of that family at a very young age when she is probably not even a teenager. Of course the patriarchy exists , of course the husband is god exists and of course the in-laws are everything exists and the mom-inlaw remains in charge exists. But the good point to be noted is that the daughter-in-law is exposed to them at a very young age and it definitely makes it easier for her to adjust to the new ways of life. Everybody comfortable ultimately.

Now moving on to my mom’s generation ( around 60s and 70s ) :

Woman were married off at probably 20 or 22/23 years. They spend their entire childhood with their actual family and now all of a sudden, they are asked to leave the actual family and settle down with the husband’s family. Such a big change. Even here, the patriarchy exists , of course the husband is god exists and of course the in-laws are everything exists and the mom-in-law still remains in charge. But the point to note is that girls are probably mentally conditioned to be less than the boys and are always raised keeping in mind the fact that they will get married one day and will have to listen to their husbands. And the point to also be noted is that woman used to struggle with the change of suddenly belonging to the in-laws family and ultimately submit to the in-laws and the husband’s needs whether happily or by force. Women silently struggled in this generation and some of them only found freedom after the death of their in-laws or husband. In-laws happy, Husband happy but the daughter-in-law probably not. But everything looks okay, ultimately.

Now let’s move on to my generation, probably the late 80 and 90’s.

The first change is that girls and boys, both are sent to study and they are treated equally in childhood ( well in most cases. I am not denying the fact that gender discrimination exists even in this generation from the parents ). The girls believe that they are no less than the boys and they study equally along side the boys and somehow realize that there is actually no difference between them and boys are not greater than them. Girls study, sometimes go abroad for higher education and get a job and sometimes support their parents. The sense of independence is so much and the parents are proud of them. And then starts the whole drama of looking for a bridegroom. Even here the patriarchy exists, of course the husband is superior exists ( at least in the social sense if not the attitude from the poor husband ) and now all of a sudden in-laws are everything after marriage exists. Sometimes the actual parents want you to believe that you no longer belong to them and now bear the name of your husband’s family. And in the husband’s family , the mom-in-law still wants to remain in charge. But the poor daughter-in-law, who in her entire life up until then believed that boys are equal to girls gets it hard on the face that ultimately it is she who has to leave her family. And now it is ultimately she who has to adjust to the in-law’s family and it is ultimately she who has to silently adjust.

Who do you think in the above three scenarios suffers the most? I am not undermining any woman’s situation or suffering but the girls who are made to believe that they are no less than the boys all their child life are the people who suffer the most. Because the expectations that are set are different and what they see later in life are different. And also because now you have your own voice, you cannot silently suffer like the generation of my mom. Now-a-days girls are independent, they have jobs, they are not dependent for anything on either the parents or the husband. But still, when it comes to marriage and In-laws, the societal normal remain the same? Even in our so called nuclear families it is very much there. The only difference is that the poor husband would want to help in many cases because he too would have had the same education and he too would have grown up with the same girls in his childhood thinking that they are no different. But then later on, these boys who grow up to become responsible men are silenced by the family’s reputation and the societal norms.

You live your life with your parents and siblings up until 25 or even 30 and then suddenly marriage changes everything. I am a daughter-in-law and a sister-in-law and so I am speaking from both the sides, how on the earth are we suppose to belong to a new family now and become their own all of a sudden? You now bear the family name of your husband, you bear children who have their family name and your parents always take a back step because now you are married and they don’t own you any more. And you are left struggling to fit in………………………..sometimes your entire life !!

Gratitude Journals - 1

Last Saturday , we had to attend a birthday party of one of Mahati's friend from her old school. I was very excited and so was Mahati. But the husband did not want to miss his Tennis Class and so I decided to try and go alone. Boy, the best decision ever :-).

First of all , I am terrible with routes and don't remember them at all. If you take me on a certain route and even though I am concentrating and looking at the directions , if you ask me to come back on the same route , I will not be able to do it. Yes , you heard it right. probably something to do with my brain or probably my Achilles heel. I just cannot comprehend those rights and lefts and copy them. So for a person like me , typing out a location on GPS and actually following it and reaching the location can be one of the superb achievements ever. I achieved this last Saturday , I drove Mahati to the destination safely and successfully. Boy am I glad about this :-).

Secondly , and for a change , going alone was so much fun. I mean , really. Whenever I go with the husband , we generally tend to stay together and keep each other's company even though we venture out to greet others. And this time  because I was alone , I had to find my own company. Though I struggled initially to talk to someone , with Renate's help , I was deep in conversation with 3 others. The topics varied from our children and what schools to send them to ( co-education or girls/boys ) to extra murals , jobs , satisfaction in jobs , women being underpaid despite their capability , feminism , the wife earning more than the man and the implications and how to keep each other happy. You name it and we discussed about it. I almost went to the length of ignoring Mahati so much that I didn't even know when she left her jacket in my lap. Boy , did I enjoy it. And I ended up exchanging phone numbers. It was indeed very nice talking to them and getting to know their views. It was a healthy discussion.

Sometimes , I really wonder. We just have to leave our nest and look out and the opportunities and experiences are endless. I enjoyed the morning so much whereas just the previous day , I was sulking that the husband was not coming and leaving us alone. Why didn't I take these kind of leap-of-faiths before ?

Its like discovering yourself after so many years. You really don't know how much capability you possess unless you try it out first. This is so true with me. I am like the Aanjaneya who never really realises my true potential.

I am so glad that I learnt driving ( even though I drive an automatic now ). I am so glad that God gave us the money to have my own car. I am so glad that I have a proper working human body to go wherever I want ( I recently had a foot fracture and I only realized then how thankful we should be if each and every part in our body is in a working condition ). Thank you God for everything. Thank you for providing a roof on top of us and thank you for all these little things that I experience and that we are able to afford them. A BIG thank you. I feel so blessed.

Of Bunk Beds and prayers !!

Kiddo got her first proper furniture last Friday. We have been postponing buying her a bed of her own for several reasons and finally the day had to come. It was supposed to be delivered on Friday provided there was no rain in Joburg ( there have been surprise showers the whole of the week and it was quite unpredictable ). Taking this as an opportunity , we told her that the bed would arrive provided there was no rain and why don't she pray to God that it doesn't rain. So we find her folding her hands in front of the God and praying quietly that morning. And yes , God did listen to her, so here goes :-). The excitement was unlimited and the faith in God restored.

 

10 Years of Blogging !!!

Yes , 10 years it has been since I started blogging. I remember very well as how I started my blog. One of my friends had one and that's how I got inspiration to start one. I haven't blogged too often but then whenever I have blogged , I put  my heart and soul into it and that reflects when I read them now.It was my 10 years younger self and I can see the transformation within myself so clearly :-).

Thank you dear bloggie for being my friend for so long. I could reach out to so many unknown people because of this blog and Mahati's birth story and my post on PPD are the special ones.
I will not vouch like some of the people that I am going to blog everyday and then apologize when I don't do so. Blogging is not for others and mostly for keeping  myself happy. My mind will be my own guide.

This probably is the first post in 2017 and that is because I have had a rough start to the year. I had a small accident back in India and had a foot fracture. While I really enjoyed my stay there and met so many people after so long and felt so good , this one last glitch took away all the attention. I came back home through wheelchair and eventually on cast from then on. Never expected it. But then , our body is such an amazing thing no , we take it all for granted up until something happens and its taken away from us. Something as small as missing a single step had landed me with a foot fracture and mind you , I haven't been able to walk normally yet. Funny how everything falls apart when the routine gets broken.



Well , apart from that , Mahati started Grade R this year. Main stream school and one of the milestones for us.The transition has been pretty much smooth because of the fact that she and her best friend are in the same school. And with Mahati , I get reminded of the way she has aged and matured. She was so cooperative at the airport. Apparently , children are not allowed to be seated with the mother when the mother is on the wheelchair. And since I traveled alone this time , Mahati had to walk beside me all the time at Hyderbad airport , Dubai airport and then at Joburg airport. She didn't complain and she was so cooperative that I was really amused at her understanding levels. Proud of you ra kanna. My injury has affected her a bit emotionally. But I guess its good that she gets to know that parents cannot always be on their toes all the time and fully operational. I have to show you guys a picture she drew and it tugged at my heart , this one.



The above scene actually happened and Mahati drew it in her class sometime after that week. The one in red is me with a bandage on my leg resting on the bed. And the three people standing on the side are Mahati , her friend and Ravi. Ravi took them to the swimming pool which is to the farther right in blue colour while I rested at home. This actually happened and I am amazed how well Mahati could express it in drawing.

So , I end with this positive note. Life is not always fair. As they say , when life throws lemons at you , make lemonade out of it :-). And just keep swimming..... :-)
Hurray to the Blog Anniversary. Raising a toast to many more years to come :-).

Mommy Diaries - 6 (Of Death and after ) !!

Death can have a really profound impact on you , always. I don't know why this has been happening to me , but I have been reading too many books these days where somebody is terminally ill or dies. Durjoy Dutta , my goodness you have a really impactful way of churning things out. I am sure you saw death very closely.

Anyways , coming back to the main thing , I have been discussing about death recently with my little one. Over the weekend , there was an unfortunate sudden demise of a very young person whom we knew ( not very very closely but yes , we knew her and my daughter met that person once ). While the husband was away tending to it and helping people in the situation , we knew a common friend who was very close to that person. And that common friend is a very good friend of my daughter.

I wasn't planning on having this conversation with Mahati but eventually I had to. I wanted to be honest with her on what was happening and the stress daddy and her common friend have been going through.

I told her , "Chinnu , do you remember the other friend who played with you ? you remember that person was very close to your common friend ? "
She said "Yes mamma , I remember her".
I said , "That person died chinnu , there was an accident and she died and that's why daddy has been out the whole day trying to help the people and that's why your common friend , who will come to our house in an hour is going to be very sad. So , I want you to understand that and not disturb that person , okay chinnu.".
She said , "Okay mamma , really did that person die , ohhhh" and then the voice trailed off.

I didn't understand what went on in her mind but it was a discussion for later. I was happy that I was actually treating Mahati as a whole responsible person , respected her and told her the truth in possibly the most simple way. She has the right to know.

Later , during bed , we talked a lot. About death!!
She asked , "Mamma , what happens to people when they die? ".
I told her , "They go to God Chinnu and they don't wake up anymore."
She asked , "Mamma , do people who die go to poo and pee ?".
I told her , "No Chinnu , they don't. They don't move anymore and they don't wake up."
She said , "Ohh!! okay. What will happen to that person in the night mamma , like tonight ? now ?".
I said , "Nothing Chinnu , that person is with God now and remember , they don't wake up anymore."
She asked , "Will God make her again ? During Day and Night ?".
I said , "Yes Chinnu , God will make her again in some other form."
She said , "Caithlin is my best friend mamma. So when I die , she is going to be very sad".
I said , "Yes Chinnu. All your loved ones will be sad. Just like how our common friend is sad".

With that trails off our conversation. I am still not sure if Mahati fully understands. But we are getting there. I really believe that children should know what death means very early in life , so that they can appreciate life better.

Chinnu , if you are reading this years later , I would like to know your thoughts ra pandu....

Sunday Afternoon Musings

After a really really long time , I made this for my kiddo. Well , it wasn't out of choice that I actually started it. The husband and the kiddo were struggling for a while trying to make sense of the beads and make a necklace out of it and completely gave up after a while. Then the onus was on the poor mamma to come and help out. So after I had my lunch , I sat down to make a small bracelet for her. And whoa , the rest is history. There was no stopping me for the next one one hour. I was completely engrossed in my own world , counting the beads , making permutations and combinations in my head and creating it all the way. The best one hour that I completely enjoyed.

And the best part was the kiddo exclaiming at my performance with a "mamma , you are so good at this :)". Well yes , I am :). At that moment , I was like a super woman for my daughter who just accomplished the impossible. Its amazing how much inspiration we are to our own kids , overwhelming sometimes and scary at times.

Well the bottom line is , I should be doing this more often.Now with the kiddo being all grown up , I really hope I rediscover my childhood hobbies and relive them.

Mommy Dairies - 5

Dear Daughter,

I want you to remember the date yesterday. Because I really want you to remember how brave you have been yesterday. Really and quite literally. Several years from now on , when you read this , I want you to remember this.

You are one of the bravest people I have ever seen in my life. Quick to move on from any situation and not let it bother you much. Well , that's how you make it look. Don't really know what goes on in your deeper mind. Yesterday you had an appointment with the dentist because one of you upfront teeth in the lower jaw was infected and you were complaining of pain the whole weekend. We tried to look for a dentist who works on the weekend everywhere , but this country , pheww , we found no one. So there you were at the dentist office along with your daddy. Mommy was at work , blindly believing that all will be well and the teeth wouldn't need to come out. But mommy got a call from daddy at around 10 a.m and his voice was worried. Both the front teeth were rotten and they needed to be taken out as soon as possible , because your permanent teeth were already ready deep down in the gum and we couldn't risk infecting those. You cant imagine my panic my baby girl , I literally dropped everything and ran to come and be with you.I was so worried about how you would take the pain. I know what it feels as I also had to get a tooth out when I was a child and still keep battling with that "filled n" permanent tooth. By the time I reached , you were sitting on the couch and drinking water. I instantly hugged you and I was really praying that I take that pain instead of you. They tried giving you some laughter gas to create a illusion but you resisted a lot. So , they gave an oral syrup to calm you down and probably get you to sleep. But you resisted and didnt want to sleep for a long , long time. You knew that the moment you slept , something was going to be done to your teeth. So you didn't sleep. Clever  you , really. Such a fighter you are. After almost 2 hours , you finally gave up and slept. But the moment we took you to the chair where the doctor was supposed to see you , you woke up and resisted with eyes closed. Every part of you was aware of the stress and they just couldn't give you the injection to numb your gum. The other doctor was talking to us that the only other option is to give you anesthesia and was talking us into booking an appointment later in the week , but the actual doctor came in and asked me this. Should we just take e chance ? Its only going to take about 20 seconds to pull both the teeth out , so should we just go ahead and hold you down and just get it done and save you all the trouble of that intravenous sedative and all that.

We couldn't see you struggling my baby girl and we knew that it would be a lot more trauma to come back again later. So we just went by and held you down and go the teeth out. I am so sorry dear baby girl that you had to go through that. The procedure affected me and your daddy more than you can imagine. We were visibly shaken and I couldn't sleep that night.

But YOU were so brave. yes , you went through it without any sedation, but within an hour , you were calm and wanted to move on. You just wanted to go out and play , even though you haven't eaten a morsel of food in the last 4 hours. So we let you be and sent you to zoo lake with Maggie with a flavored yogurt. By the time you came back , you had a smile on your face , my baby girl. That's the first smile in the whole day and my heart was really relieved. You were so brave my baby and mommy is so so proud of you. Remember to have the same fighting spirit always. There you go , a pic of the teeth that came out. That night you put it under your pillow and went to sleep. And the next morning , the tooth fairy had replaced them with small presents :-). And today , you are just fine and all set to go to school. When Maggie came in , you were so excited and showed her what the tooth fairy gave you and you kept blushing that taking off the teeth was such a good thing to happen !

Dear Amma,
I really understand what you truly meant in every sense , bit by bit with the experiences I have with Mahati. The constant concern , the constant nagging and the constant rules , I never understood them before. But now I understand them , all of them and the feelings behind them. It is so true that the respect for your mother becomes only better after you have a child of your own. I really never understood the dramatic movie scene dialogues that you used to throw at me( us in fact ) , asking me to come home early , asking me to be careful and looking at me whenever I dress up. You are never open enough to show how much you loved me and always love me , but now I understand the thousands of feelings hidden in your looks and behind each of your constant bragging :P ;-). I am only able to understand it because I have a child of my own.

Karn of MahaBharatha

From my childhood  , I have always known and talked about the story of Ramayana. But somehow Mahabharatha was not quite clear. I mean , as a child I probably couldn't exactly understood the numerous plots and enmity etc etc portrayed in Mahabharatha and too many characters you know !! Very difficult to remember.

But when Star Plus was showcasing Mahabharatha and then eventually the story of Karn , I and Ravi thought it is a good idea to watch. Well , at least I don't need to read the whole  fat book :). We starting watching and it was quite interesting. You know , its like , in Ramayana you see the positive side of relationships , so you feel like having siblings and a close knit family. But in Mahabharatha , you see the exact opposite. Such hatred between cousins and siblings and countless plotting against each other. God , it can be exhausting but it is more close to today's reality.

I was particularly fascinated with the story of Karn. If you know me , I have extreme sympathy towards people who are in need and there you go , Kunti leaving Karn in the river was enough for my focus to drift to Karn. Such a sad start and an unfortunte thing to happen , no ? So much of talent !! In my eyes, Karn is greater than even "Dharma Raju" for all that he endured and had to face. Talent wise as well , Karn was higher and stronger. He also believed in "Dharma" and especially equality because he hates the way he and his foster family get differentiated from his childhood. Talent doesn't matter , it is the caste that you are born that matters. If you are not born in the right caste , so many opportunities are denied and you are already judged no matter what you have to portray. I was very surprised to see Bheeshma Pitamaha and Dronacharya being so biased. Of course these are just my observations. The fact was that he was always an odd man out and always a victim of these inequalities. So , the urge to fight back was immense and it makes him look like a "Rebel". I feel that there is no other person who was as talented and as kind-hearted as Karn but because he questions everything bad that happens in his community , he is termed a rebel. Keeping mum when things are not going according to the plan can be easy but fighting back is so difficult. It takes away our lifetime to swim backwards to the current of the river.

I always wondered why Karn had to die at the end. Lord Krishna helps Arjuna and saves him from Karn so many times. Why ? The only answer that he gives Karn before Karn dies is that he was on the wrong side. He had been a very loyal friend to Duryodhana , to the extent that he could not see atrocities of Duryodhana and was blinded by his pure friendship towards him. But I still feel that it is injustice towards Karn and he did not deserve this bias or what he endured in his life. Kunti knowing that he is his eldest son doesn't budge and express her love towards him. He never ever gets pampered. he always had to fight the whole of his life and in return gets nothing. Just because he was on the wrong side , he had to answer for his Karma. This was so depressing to watch.

I feel so much for only this particular character probably because I strike a chord with him. Some people have to keep fighting always even to get the minutest of things in life and for some people , everything falls into their lap as a blessing. Why is it like this ? Its like , in this world , fighting for the right thing is always wrong. People just don't appreciate it. Sigh!!

Ganesh Chaturthi 2016

This time , we welcomed a family of Ganesha's to our home as per Mahati's request :). Fortunate enough to have continued this tradition of making eco-friendly Ganeshas from the last 4 years.  There is something so therapeutic in creating things with your own hands. It can get you to such a high that even alcohol cannot. Excuse me , I don't even know what it is to get high on alcohol , it was just a casual comparison okay ? First I made one and left it for drying. And then from inside of her cupboard Mahati brought out a small Ganesh which I made last year in one of her pottery classes , which she painted after it was baked. And this was our baby Ganesha. So now , she had a Daddy Ganesha and a Baby Ganesha and only the mommy was missing. So she persuaded me to make the mommy. So , I,  like an obedient child listened to her and made exactly a mommy , keeping in mind not to be make it bigger than the daddy and slightly bigger than the baby.

When we look at it now , it was such a novel concept. Welcoming a family of Ganeshas :). I am amazed at the way children can think and create things. If not for her , I would have never understood that a family of Ganeshas should contain only Ganeshas , because from our childhood we are conditioned that Shiva and Parvati are the family of Ganesha :). Well said , no :).

This day is also special for another reason. Mahati started going to school on the very same day 3 years back :). So grown up , she has become. Only one thing , she just doesn't stop talking ;-).

So , here goes the pics this year.

Meaning of God !

I have always had this agnostic relationship with Idol Worship. Since we are brought up traditionally and culturally , it becomes a habit to sit in front of that idol god or gods or goddesses and pray , but otherwise God has always remained an unknown super natural power in my mind. For me , the super natural external power that controls us is GOD. I don't know if he is inside us or everywhere , but for me, whatever that we cannot do or control even if we want to, resembles GOD. You know , the power that controls a ball to only move downwards when thrown up  , people who understand Science might say , it is gravitational energy. Well for me ,that gravitational force is GOD. Why do things happen only in a certain way even though we want it to happen otherwise. That is GOD.

There have been many instances in my life where I wanted something , but I got something else and eventually I realized that the latter was better and how foolish was I to have wished for the former. Yes , this has happened and a lot. And the only way to explain this is the external force/power that governs us.

For me , the "Pancha Bhootalu" or the 5 elements of nature ( the wind , fire , water, sky and earth ) is GOD. We went to the beach in Durban for Easter and had a very nice time playing in the water. The whole time that I was in  the water , I couldn't help but be very aware of the force of the ocean and the power of the waves. How can anybody challenge this force. WE as human beings are nothing in front of this force. Its a very similar analogy to when someone gets caught in fire or in a tornado. WE have no control over these forces that govern the earth right. As Human beings , the only thing that we can see and touch is this earth and probably the only thing we can see is the Sun and Moon. Do we have control over them ? No. Then how can anybody not believe in GOD ? Did we come on to this earth just like that ? If you have actually seen a mother give birth , I am sure you will agree that it is no less than a miracle. A baby who has lived in the water for 9 months suddenly comes out and starts breathing air.  This for me is GOD.

Its okay to give this force or power a form and workshop it in the form of a Shiva or a Allah or a Jesus. But again , blind faith and extremely conservative behavior is something that I don't strike a chord with. I will get this only if I break 100 coconuts in front of Shiva , I will attain salvation only I go to Mecca. I don't believe in these kind of things.

For me , GOD is the everyday air that I breath , the everyday energy that we can never control.
When you leave something out in the universe , it comes back to you. I believe in this. I believe in surrendering to this power and nothing else.

This and That

You are liked by everyone until you become competition.

I can't agree more. In fact , this is so fu**ing true. Oops , sorry couldn't hold back from saying it. I think that I have a serious issue with being social. My sun sign says that I love interacting with people and people are my strength. But why is it so difficult to find somebody who matches your interests and can be a little honest with you. Why is this world filled with opportunists and what is with the faking everywhere. In the past few years , I have never found anybody who strikes a chord with me , its not that I haven't tried. Sad , isn't it. In fact I have gone above and beyond in making friends. May be that was my mistake. Husband says that you can only make friends if you choose to ignore some of their qualities. How can I compromise on the core moral values of a human being ? I am better off being single than make friends that way.

Whenever the husband watches TV , I get really cross with him and ask him , don't you have anything better to do ? For that , the only answer he gives me is that he is an average individual and a commoner and likes what most people in the world like and not like me with the rarest kind of interests that I have. Really ? Sometimes I wonder , is trying to sleep on time , respecting other people's time and in turn expecting them to respect mine , doing some introspection , staring out of the window for hours, art , music , a little bit of spirituality, speaking the truth and wanting to do something really worthwhile so wrong ? And dont for a second think that I am praising myself. These are the same qualities that are becoming my "cons".

I sometimes ask my parents why am I like this. Why cant I be okay with imperfect things and mediocre stuff. Its like God has created me with an intention of making me fail , in this big bad , imperfect world. Wherever I go , I face the same challenges. People don't like it when you are better than them. And then of course the "gender-bias". How can this "woman" achieve more than me or rather shall I say , "How can I let this woman achieve more than me". This is more on the work front.

I really love this ad from Titan on Gender Bias.
Change the way you look at a woman's success.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNqwBTCslMw


I really miss those college days when I had a few ( but very good ) friends with whom we used to share everything and laugh our asses out and forget the world. The older you become , the more necessary it becomes to have good and trust worthy people around you. Otherwise it feels so lonely. And for a person who relies so much on peer acceptance , I am not really sure it is such a good idea.

May be you really need a very big heart to accept people as they are. But what about reciprocation and stuff ?

I almost sounded like I am suffering from a "Mid-Life Crisis". Sigh!

Rakhi 2016

This time Mahati is much more aware of what Rakhi is all about. Initially she insisted that she will tie a Rakhi to all her female friends as well. We had to slow her down and explain to her that this is not something that you tie to everybody ( made a mental note to celebrate friendship's day next year and make her tie the friendship band to all her friends ) and that it is special and needs to be tied only to her brothers and pray for their safety. She eventually understood ( though she did buy 2 rakhis for herself ;-) ). Just after Mahati was born , on her behalf , I used to send Rakhi's to all her cousin brothers around the word. A tradition that I continue even today. You see what motherhood does to you , I can forget my own brother but I will not forget to send it to Mahati's brothers :). Hope my brother is not reading this ;-).

Anyway coming back to the tradition. So this time , she chose all the Rakhi for all her brothers and I showed it to her before placing them into envelopes with their addresses. The only tragedy was that , I posted them a month ago , but they didn't reach until today :(. Some broken hearts out there. So, I am asking my mom to buy and give it to them on our behalf. Screw the postal system of South Africa :(.



Here , she did tie the Rakhi to JJ and Ethan ( actual brothers of Caithlin and Isabella ) who now officially or traditionally have become Mahati's brothers :). Look at these cute pics. I ensured that she followed the Haarathi before tying the Rakhis. Cute little fellows :). Spiderman Rakhis and chocolate coins.