Mommy Diaries - 2

I had a complimentary workout session with a personal trainer at the gym today morning at 9 and so we had asked if our maid Diana could take care of Mahati as Ravi also wanted to go play a cricket match. All three of us woke up at 8 in the morning and then the plan was that Ravi will take Mahati to the nearby mall to buy her bananas and flavoured curd, and I go to the gym and Ravi to come back and  handover Mahati to Diana. We were quite sceptical as to how Mahati would react if both of us were not there. Ravi kept telling her that amma is going to the gym and nanna is going to take her to the mall for some shopping and then they come back to Diana. She dint react much but was excited about the mall trip. All three of us went to the parking and to my surprise, once I put her in Ravi’s car and said that they are going outside, she immediately said bye-bye to me. I was completely surprised and she kept waving to me until the car was out of sight. She was happy and that was what mattered the most at that point of time.

We have come a long way!! I guess this is one of the very few times, that she had happily waved a bye-bye to me and went with her dad. We have come a very long way from an always-clinging-to-the-mom child to this independent one. Of course she has her moods and suddenly declares that she cannot do without me. But this is an achievement. I proceeded to the gym as planned and when I was finished, I got a message from Ravi that she is with Diana and all is well and there was no crying. I was relieved and drove back happily. At the entrance of our building, I saw Diana and Mahati walking towards Cathy’s ( Mahati’s friend in the neighbourhood ) house. I was in a big dilemma. Should I stop and talk to her or should I act as if I didn’t see her and drive to the parking. Finally , I decided to stop as my heart went out for her. She was happy to see me and hugged me instantly. After talking to her, finally I said that she was going to go play with Cathy and I was going back to the house to have a bath. She agreed and went back to Diana and started walking towards the end of the street. Oh gosh! my heart kind of melted away. She was definitely a piece of my heart walking away and for a moment, I wondered whether it was me, who was going through separation anxiety or her? You know what we say in hindi “Jigar ka tukda”. It’s exactly the same feeling. Just can’t get that scene of her walking on the sidewalk out of my mind. And even after letting go of my job and staying with her and taking care of her to the core , after two and half years , I still feel so guilty letting her go. And now, I have to let her go and explore the world through her own eyes , and I don’t want a mama’s girl who always wants to be protected. I want her to fight her own battles and deal with her own emotions but reassuring her that I will be there when she wants to talk and share  J .

U know…. this whole separation and attachment thing……….. it’s so tricky and hard. Both clinging on to and letting her go are so so difficult. And it’s so difficult to strike out the right balance between the both!!