Those of you who see my pictures on facebook and think that
mine was a happy pregnancy and a perfect delivery and everything was a perfect little
dream-come-true…… are wrong. It was actually far from it. I had suffered from a
severe prenatal depression in my last trimester and an equally severe
postpartum depression after delivery.
It took me a long long time to come back to normal and start
living life normally. It took me a long long time to actually come to a
conclusion that I should write about it. Yes, there is no need to be ashamed of
it. It can happen to any other woman on this planet and it comes without a due
notice and we are far from being prepared to face it. Knowledge is wealth and I
thought I should provide awareness about PPD ( Post Partum Depression ).
All was well until the starting on my last trimester ( 7th
month ). I was working as well in Johannesburg , South Africa, and didn’t have
any problems. I moved back to India during the same time to rest at home and
deliver in Hyderabad. Ravi came just to drop me back home , had a brief holiday
and went back to wind up things at Joburg.I thought this phase would be the
most relaxing time of all and was really excited with it. But the travel from
Johannesburg to Hyderabad left me with swollen feet and a tiredness which
didn’t go away for as long as a month after that. Even my swollen feet took a
lot of time to get back to normal. And it is when I was staying at my home in
Hyderabad , that depression set in. It started with lack of sleep and a
frustrated mind as to why I am not able to sleep. I was bored at home and
didn’t have anything to do. I couldn’t travel outside , because I didn’t know
driving and the weather change between Joburg and Hyd traffic left me
nauseatic. It was better to sit at home rather than travel outside with all the
pollution and traffic. And above all , you know what elders say , you are
pregnant so don’t do anything without out help. My stamina kept decreasing and
so did my appetite. But I thought it was all normal and definitely hormonal.
Yes , it was hormonal , but it was not normal and I realised this only in my 8th
month. It was the first case of PPD in my family and nobody knew about it.I
started imagining all kinds of things and was not happy about it. I always felt
that , whatever came into my mind didn’t at all leave me and it only started
creating deep impacts and craters in my mind. The ability to control my thoughts
was absolutely gone. I felt that my mind was not in my control anymore. I felt
that I was some other person and this person is nowhere near to what I am. I
felt that something was happening to me and I am not able to stop it. Lack of
sleep , lack of appetite , restlessness , no peace of mind and always sad about
something which I was not able to apprehend properly. I also had insecure
feelings about staying away from my husband and when it was un-bearable , I
contacted Dr Vijaya and told her briefly about my situation. It was not only
psychological and emotional , it was physical too. I had nervous weakness in my
hands and legs , and I was not able to stand and do things properly sometimes.
I never felt like waking up from the bed and do something to kill the boredom.
In our society , giving birth to a child and all the
pregnancy and delivery phases of life are supposed to be “happy” things. And if
it is anything different from it , nobody would want to talk about it. It is all
hushed up and the fear of the society seeing you as a “bechara” makes us hide
things. But I did no such thing and walked straight into Dr Vijaya’s office and
spoke to her. My scared mother accompanied me. I am thankful she did.
May be Dr Vijaya knew already and was suspecting the worst.
But she was kind to me and comforted me with her words. She appreciated my
outward thinking and the boldness I had to come and talk to her. Because , she
said , most women wouldn’t do it. She told me that PPD is a spectrum kind of a
thing and almost 80% of pregnant women experience it but at different levels.
Some are tolerable and some are not. But mostly , women don’t express it to the
gyneac or the midwife. So most of the society doesnt know what’s happening on
the inside.
My mother was totally unprepared to face all this. And she
never felt or knew that all this was due to hormonal changes or due to changes
in pregnancy. She thought I was saying and thinking about issues wantedly .She
was scared with the way I was thinking and manifesting things in my mind and
her being scared , made me even more timid and frustrated as to why I was like
that. After going to Dr Vijaya , we concluded that it might be the mood swings
and depression kinds and was normal and a part of pregnancy sometimes. This
comforted my parents and husband… but not me. Because it did nothing to my mind
so that the pain and everything could go away. I wanted to be happy and welcome
my little child. And the fact that some other things were taking precedence
over it made me guilty and that guilt started killing me from inside. I
couldn’t ignore it and as it was physical too , I was even more scared as to
how I would be able to take care of my baby if I was not even able to walk
properly and do things normally.It was pure hell. Ravi pre-poned his trip and
returned early. But no matter who was beside me and what they had to say to me
, the suffering didn’t go away. I had erratic fears over silly things coming
into my mind and it scared the hell out of me.I had frequent fear and panic
attacks. My brain would be blank and cold for a few minutes. I knew that my family was putting a brave face
outside but were equally concerned and scared from the inside.
Finally , when I delivered , I wasn’t scared of anything in
my life , except the “thing” that I was going through. I gave birth
normally and very boldly. Because I
wasn’t scared anymore. I had something else to be worried about. Physically ,
mine was the perfect delivery that anyone would want. Not a single medicine
given to my body and not a single prick from the midwives. But psychologically
, I was somewhere else. Nothing gave me happiness , expect for pure and intense
sense of care towards my child. I took care of her to the core. May be the
guilt that built up inside was coming out in this way. My physical and psychological symptoms remained , even
after delivery and then Dr Vijaya suggested me to a clinical psychologist. She
spoke to another lady who gave birth in the same center and also a
psychologist. Unfortunately , she was out of town , so she referred me to
another elderly man in Sweekar-Upkaar , Jublee Bus Stand , Hyd.
I was breast feeding and my body was in the process of
healing. But I had to go to consult him. He listened to me and referred me to
take some tests. Not lab tests. Some written tests ( I thought they were like
some tests to determine my concentration and mind body co-ordination ) which
took a lot of time. I had to leave my baby in the car and go to take the tests
, occasionally coming back to feed her. There is a phrase in telugu……….. “
Idemi kharmamooo” anipinchindi. I don’t know about the cure , but the visit to
the doc itself can make you feel so low and less of confidence , as to
something is seriously wrong with you and you need somebody’s help to fix it.
It makes ourselves feel like yuk.
Finally , he told me that , I didn’t have any previous mental disorders
and this was something that had popped up only in and around pregnancy and
hence will be termed as “Post Partum Depression”. He gave me 2 sessions of
relaxing my muscles as I was constantly complaining about the nervous weakness
in my hands and legs. I almost begged him to give me a medicine to calm me down
and make me peaceful. But he denied it as I was breast feeding. He said , treat
it as a punishment from God and bear it for 6 months. My duty as a mother was
more important than what I was going through and he asked me to come back after
6 months , if I felt it didn’t go away.
He told us a lot of things. He said that , in pregnancy , a
woman’s body undergoes a lot of changes.Some are physical and some are
psychological. Some are good and some are bad. Now , we the people , miss the
bad part. We always think that having a baby only brings joy to us. Ofcourse it
is a happy thing………. But it doesn’t always bring joy to us. It also makes us
nervous and all the emotions around taking up that responsibility and doing our
part correctly. So , “pregnancy and delivery is a happy thing” is highly
overrated. It can be the opposite also and there is nothing wrong with it.
Sometimes , the wiring in the brain changes permanently because of pregnancy ,
he said. And I am unfortunate that I have had the bad effects of pregnancy.
Having a baby is a very big change in life and different people react in
different ways to it, consciously sometimes and sub-consciously sometimes.
Nothing is wrong or right in it. And if the pressure on the brain becomes
un-bearable , then it translates into physical symptoms like the ones I had. In
the spectrum of PPD , may be I fell into a “more and intense” scale. It happens
to everybody and not everybody are vocal enough to go to a doc and express that
something is wrong. Because we are bound by families and society. And this insecurity
and the “unhappy” part are buried under the name of society and the family’s
name in the society.
It took me an year and half after delivery to completely
come back to normal. And I didn’t take any medicines. It was long , hard and a
challenging journey and at the end of it , I guess I have turned out to be a
lot more tougher than before. I was sceptical about writing this post from a
long time. But finally could muster the courage to put it in words and provide
awareness to others. PPD in a severe way happens only to a very very few people.
But we must be prepared to face it J.
