I had a complimentary workout session with a personal
trainer at the gym today morning at 9 and so we had asked if our maid Diana
could take care of Mahati as Ravi also wanted to go play a cricket match. All
three of us woke up at 8 in the morning and then the plan was that Ravi will
take Mahati to the nearby mall to buy her bananas and flavoured curd, and I go
to the gym and Ravi to come back and
handover Mahati to Diana. We were quite sceptical as to how Mahati would
react if both of us were not there. Ravi kept telling her that amma is going to
the gym and nanna is going to take her to the mall for some shopping and then
they come back to Diana. She dint react much but was excited about the mall
trip. All three of us went to the parking and to my surprise, once I put her in
Ravi’s car and said that they are going outside, she immediately said bye-bye
to me. I was completely surprised and she kept waving to me until the car was
out of sight. She was happy and that was what mattered the most at that point
of time.
We have come a long way!! I guess this is one of the very
few times, that she had happily waved a bye-bye to me and went with her dad. We
have come a very long way from an always-clinging-to-the-mom child to this
independent one. Of course she has her moods and suddenly declares that she
cannot do without me. But this is an achievement. I proceeded to the gym as planned
and when I was finished, I got a message from Ravi that she is with Diana and
all is well and there was no crying. I was relieved and drove back happily. At
the entrance of our building, I saw Diana and Mahati walking towards Cathy’s (
Mahati’s friend in the neighbourhood ) house. I was in a big dilemma. Should I
stop and talk to her or should I act as if I didn’t see her and drive to the
parking. Finally , I decided to stop as my heart went out for her. She was happy
to see me and hugged me instantly. After talking to her, finally I said that
she was going to go play with Cathy and I was going back to the house to have a
bath. She agreed and went back to Diana and started walking towards the end of
the street. Oh gosh! my heart kind of melted away. She was definitely a piece
of my heart walking away and for a moment, I wondered whether it was me, who
was going through separation anxiety or her? You know what we say in hindi “Jigar
ka tukda”. It’s exactly the same feeling. Just can’t get that scene of her
walking on the sidewalk out of my mind. And even after letting go of my job and
staying with her and taking care of her to the core , after two and half years
, I still feel so guilty letting her go. And now, I have to let her go and
explore the world through her own eyes , and I don’t want a mama’s girl who
always wants to be protected. I want her to fight her own battles and deal with
her own emotions but reassuring her that I will be there when she wants to talk
and share J
.
U know…. this whole separation and attachment thing……….. it’s
so tricky and hard. Both clinging on to and letting her go are so so difficult.
And it’s so difficult to strike out the right balance between the both!!
