Are Women really equal to Men?

It was different two to three decades ago. Women were less than Men or to be precise, they were treated that way. They were treated inequally and denied all chances to perform , let alone succeed in it.

Thankfully , things have changed.  It took time , but it changed. Now you can see girls going to school , they performing and later on working and also becoming the CEO’s of companies. Good ! Now a woman is no less than a man. This is the perception with which young girls and boys go ahead. They are correct in schools , colleges and offices. Its right even after you get married. Now , husbands have started contributing at home too and share equal responsibilities. All is fair. What happens once children are born ? Now I realise that women can never be equal to men and vice versa. All the thought processes and conditioning of equality  go for a toss. Because , now you become a mother and a father respectively. For a child , a father is never equal to a mother. God has designed it that way. The woman gets pregnant  and almost gives her life to give birth to the child. And after that , mother is the whole and sole in the world for the child in the initial stages at least.  

Now-a-days , independence is the key to happiness for the young generation. You are a free being and you can do whatever you want. People talk about “having space” in their relationships and how it plays a key role in making them happy.

For a mother , there is no independence after a child is born, at least in the initial years of their development. The poor little thing is so much dependent on the mother for everything. Many people talk about its advantages of how blessed a mother is that she is able to have the child with her all the time whereas the father cannot. Very well said. It’s true. But every coin has two sides. The other side is , the father is free to roam around and do what he likes. His independence is still intact. But the world changes for the mother. The dependency is so much that you can’t even go to the loo peacefully , let alone stepping outside the house. Mothers sacrifice so much more than fathers. I am not doubting the intentions of the men as many men would want to do it equally. But it’s not programmed that way.  Under these circumstances , we realise that women can never be equal to men.   It’s difficult for today’s generation of girls to accept this and live with it.  People never talk about this side of the story and infact many people reading this post of mine would definitely be thinking odd about me for elevating this feeling and how bad it is to think that way.

It is not bad to think this way. It is very very human for young mothers of today’s generation to feel this inequality and be unhappy with it.  We are indeed not age old pativratas who think that their only place is at a man’s feet to serve him and raise children for him. No.  Earlier , women would not have had to deal with these kind of feelings as they were programmed to be less than men and their only job is to be at home and serve the men. May be it was a lot easier for women in those ages to accept the fact that they have a much bigger role to play after children are born. So they never complained. But times have changed. And with the changing times and conditioning of equality between men and women , it is bound to get ugly after having children. Hence , with proper support from your partner and family , there is every need to eradicate this feeling to move on in life.

Post-Partum Depression. Yes , I faced it and No , there is nothing wrong in talking about it.

Those of you who see my pictures on facebook and think that mine was a happy pregnancy and a perfect delivery and everything was a perfect little dream-come-true…… are wrong. It was actually far from it. I had suffered from a severe prenatal depression in my last trimester and an equally severe postpartum depression after delivery.

It took me a long long time to come back to normal and start living life normally. It took me a long long time to actually come to a conclusion that I should write about it. Yes, there is no need to be ashamed of it. It can happen to any other woman on this planet and it comes without a due notice and we are far from being prepared to face it. Knowledge is wealth and I thought I should provide awareness about PPD ( Post Partum Depression ).

All was well until the starting on my last trimester ( 7^th month ). I was working as well in Johannesburg , South Africa, and didn’t have any problems. I moved back to India during the same time to rest at home and deliver in Hyderabad. Ravi came just to drop me back home , had a brief holiday and went back to wind up things at Joburg.I thought this phase would be the most relaxing time of all and was really excited with it. But the travel from Johannesburg to Hyderabad left me with swollen feet and a tiredness which didn’t go away for as long as a month after that. Even my swollen feet took a lot of time to get back to normal. And it is when I was staying at my home in Hyderabad , that depression set in. It started with lack of sleep and a frustrated mind as to why I am not able to sleep. I was bored at home and didn’t have anything to do. I couldn’t travel outside , because I didn’t know driving and the weather change between Joburg and Hyd traffic left me nauseatic. It was better to sit at home rather than travel outside with all the pollution and traffic. And above all , you know what elders say , you are pregnant so don’t do anything without out help. My stamina kept decreasing and so did my appetite. But I thought it was all normal and definitely hormonal. Yes , it was hormonal , but it was not normal and I realised this only in my 8^th month. It was the first case of PPD in my family and nobody knew about it.I started imagining all kinds of things and was not happy about it. I always felt that , whatever came into my mind didn’t at all leave me and it only started creating deep impacts and craters in my mind. The ability to control my thoughts was absolutely gone. I felt that my mind was not in my control anymore. I felt that I was some other person and this person is nowhere near to what I am. I felt that something was happening to me and I am not able to stop it. Lack of sleep , lack of appetite , restlessness , no peace of mind and always sad about something which I was not able to apprehend properly. I also had insecure feelings about staying away from my husband and when it was un-bearable , I contacted Dr Vijaya and told her briefly about my situation. It was not only psychological and emotional , it was physical too. I had nervous weakness in my hands and legs , and I was not able to stand and do things properly sometimes. I never felt like waking up from the bed and do something to kill the boredom.

In our society , giving birth to a child and all the pregnancy and delivery phases of life are supposed to be “happy” things. And if it is anything different from it , nobody would want to talk about it. It is all hushed up and the fear of the society seeing you as a “bechara” makes us hide things. But I did no such thing and walked straight into Dr Vijaya’s office and spoke to her. My scared mother accompanied me. I am thankful she did.

May be Dr Vijaya knew already and was suspecting the worst. But she was kind to me and comforted me with her words. She appreciated my outward thinking and the boldness I had to come and talk to her. Because , she said , most women wouldn’t do it. She told me that PPD is a spectrum kind of a thing and almost 80% of pregnant women experience it but at different levels. Some are tolerable and some are not. But mostly , women don’t express it to the gyneac or the midwife. So most of the society doesnt know what’s happening on the inside.

My mother was totally unprepared to face all this. And she never felt or knew that all this was due to hormonal changes or due to changes in pregnancy. She thought I was saying and thinking about issues wantedly .She was scared with the way I was thinking and manifesting things in my mind and her being scared , made me even more timid and frustrated as to why I was like that. After going to Dr Vijaya , we concluded that it might be the mood swings and depression kinds and was normal and a part of pregnancy sometimes. This comforted my parents and husband… but not me. Because it did nothing to my mind so that the pain and everything could go away. I wanted to be happy and welcome my little child. And the fact that some other things were taking precedence over it made me guilty and that guilt started killing me from inside. I couldn’t ignore it and as it was physical too , I was even more scared as to how I would be able to take care of my baby if I was not even able to walk properly and do things normally.It was pure hell. Ravi pre-poned his trip and returned early. But no matter who was beside me and what they had to say to me , the suffering didn’t go away. I had erratic fears over silly things coming into my mind and it scared the hell out of me.I had frequent fear and panic attacks. My brain would be blank and cold for a few minutes.  I knew that my family was putting a brave face outside but were equally concerned and scared from the inside.

Finally , when I delivered , I wasn’t scared of anything in my life , except the “thing” that I was going through. I gave birth normally  and very boldly. Because I wasn’t scared anymore. I had something else to be worried about. Physically , mine was the perfect delivery that anyone would want. Not a single medicine given to my body and not a single prick from the midwives. But psychologically , I was somewhere else. Nothing gave me happiness , expect for pure and intense sense of care towards my child. I took care of her to the core. May be the guilt that built up inside was coming out in this way. My physical  and psychological symptoms remained , even after delivery and then Dr Vijaya suggested me to a clinical psychologist. She spoke to another lady who gave birth in the same center and also a psychologist. Unfortunately , she was out of town , so she referred me to another elderly man in Sweekar-Upkaar , Jublee Bus Stand , Hyd.

I was breast feeding and my body was in the process of healing. But I had to go to consult him. He listened to me and referred me to take some tests. Not lab tests. Some written tests ( I thought they were like some tests to determine my concentration and mind body co-ordination ) which took a lot of time. I had to leave my baby in the car and go to take the tests , occasionally coming back to feed her. There is a phrase in telugu……….. “ Idemi kharmamooo” anipinchindi. I don’t know about the cure , but the visit to the doc itself can make you feel so low and less of confidence , as to something is seriously wrong with you and you need somebody’s help to fix it. It makes ourselves feel like yuk.  Finally , he told me that , I didn’t have any previous mental disorders and this was something that had popped up only in and around pregnancy and hence will be termed as “Post Partum Depression”. He gave me 2 sessions of relaxing my muscles as I was constantly complaining about the nervous weakness in my hands and legs. I almost begged him to give me a medicine to calm me down and make me peaceful. But he denied it as I was breast feeding. He said , treat it as a punishment from God and bear it for 6 months. My duty as a mother was more important than what I was going through and he asked me to come back after 6 months , if I felt it didn’t go away.

He told us a lot of things. He said that , in pregnancy , a woman’s body undergoes a lot of changes.Some are physical and some are psychological. Some are good and some are bad. Now , we the people , miss the bad part. We always think that having a baby only brings joy to us. Ofcourse it is a happy thing………. But it doesn’t always bring joy to us. It also makes us nervous and all the emotions around taking up that responsibility and doing our part correctly. So , “pregnancy and delivery is a happy thing” is highly overrated. It can be the opposite also and there is nothing wrong with it. Sometimes , the wiring in the brain changes permanently because of pregnancy , he said. And I am unfortunate that I have had the bad effects of pregnancy. Having a baby is a very big change in life and different people react in different ways to it, consciously sometimes and sub-consciously sometimes. Nothing is wrong or right in it. And if the pressure on the brain becomes un-bearable , then it translates into physical symptoms like the ones I had. In the spectrum of PPD , may be I fell into a “more and intense” scale. It happens to everybody and not everybody are vocal enough to go to a doc and express that something is wrong. Because we are bound by families and society. And this insecurity and the “unhappy” part are buried under the name of society and the family’s name in the society.

It took me an year and half after delivery to completely come back to normal. And I didn’t take any medicines. It was long , hard and a challenging journey and at the end of it , I guess I have turned out to be a lot more tougher than before. I was sceptical about writing this post from a long time. But finally could muster the courage to put it in words and provide awareness to others. PPD in a severe way happens only to a very very few people. But we must be prepared to face it J.

This part of my life is called “HAPPINESS” :-)

I feel elated and content at the same time. You want to know why…………..its because I just got this in my email box today.

This part of my life is called "HAPPINESS" :-).

It’s the name of the kid that we sponsored education in the last half of the year and his progress card. I got to know about Isha Vidya through a trusted friend who is a volunteer at Isha Foundation and it was in an informal chat with her that I expressed having an idea of sponsoring education for a child. The only thing was that I wanted to personally verify if my money is actually used for the same purposes and also get in touch the child. She told me that sponsoring through Isha Vidya was one of the perfect ways as they write back to you and inform you of the progress and we ourselves can get in touch with the kid. I intend on seeing that this kid completes his secondary education so that he can fend for himself :-).

And how much did I spend ? Rs 10,000 for an year’s scholarship program.

And you can also spend Rs 20,000 for the complete educational support of the child (for one year).

Do you want to do the same?

Details :

http://www.ishavidhya.org/donate-now/financial-donation.html

You can go through the entire website for more details and I can get you in touch with an Isha Vidya volunteer if required.

Wish list Wednesdays - The three things I badly wish I could have

I read about the creative prompt and the Wish List Wednesdays on Preeti Shenoy’s blog and it sounded like fun  J So here I am with my answer for her prompt :D

The three things I badly wish I could have are :

1.       The ability to drive : I had a two wheeler before and I am not new to the roads. I enjoy driving and it gives me a sense of independence. One of my friends sat with me on my scooty and said that my behaviour while driving is so different from the person that I am, generally. She said that I was a lot more aggressive and confident on the vehicle J whereas I am hesitant and a little pessimistic otherwise.   Now,  I don’t know car driving. In the sense , I actually went for driving classes and got a license but didn’t successfully start driving on the roads. But I long for the day when I would confidently drive my car on the roads and go wherever I want. I want to enjoy that independence.

2.       The ability to ignore bullshit and move on in life : I have a very bad habit of clinging onto things a way too much and get stuck there. I see people around me, who  may have more difficulties than I have in life , but are still happy and find their own formulas for happiness. I fail to do so. And I badly want God to teach me to move on in life. Of course , if I say this , my dear ones will always say , it’s not God but You who have to try and change. Whatever , I will wait for the day when I will start ignoring the unpleasant things that happen to me and still be lively and don’t rub it on someone else.

3.       A little more height J. I am short and I have always adored women who are tall and have long legs. I feel that any kind of dress will suit them and they look awesome , especially in sarees  J. I know this wish can never be fulfilled in this life of mine , but then I wish , I was tall.

English Vinglish

Finally made it to this movie yesterday night along with Lavanya and Veeresh , after a lot of planning and stuff. I am really glad I could make it……. of course not to forget…… with Ravi’s grace ( he took take care of Mahati  ;-) )

English Vinglish is not just another parody on people who don’t know English and don’t know how to manage in the States. It’s a lot more. Its about a “woman” , her individuality and self respect.  Married woman sacrifice a lot of things in life to take care of their family. English Vinglish is a sincere attempt to show all those women how to enjoy life and discover their inner peace and happiness.

Shashi ( Sridevi ) is a home-maker and has 2 kids and  a super busy husband. She is very good at cooking and making laddoos is her hobby , which she translates into a small business. People are very appreciative of her laddoos. But unfortunately , her own family makes fun of her in different ways. Her daughter doesn’t want her to come to the Parent Teacher Meeting just because she can’t talk in English. And her husband always makes fun of her that she is born to make laddoos. The subtle emotions portrayed by Shashi just melt your heart away. Kudos to the story writer and the director.

Moving on… Shashi has her sister’s family settled in New York and her niece is getting married. Situations force Shashi to travel to The United States of America alone. And the rest of the movie is about what she faces there because of not knowing English and how she joins an English class and finds a set of people who love and respect her for what she is.  Her speech in English at the end of the movie is phenomenal.   She looks just fabulous in that red saree……….. so simple and yet elegant…… just like the personality of Shashi J. And what a comeback by Sridevi !! I don’t think I can imagine anybody else in that role J. She looked just awesome in her simple plain cotton sarees.

There are many powerful dialogues which just melt your heart away!!!

“Marriage is between two people who are “equal”. And there will be many situations where one will feel that they are less than the other. But both of them have to help each other , when it happens. And when the other person cannot help you , then you have to help yourself. Self help is the best help “.

 “Agar Mard Khaanaa banaayee , to woh kala hai. Par agar aurat khana banaaye to woh uski jimmedari hai “.

I get really dis-heartened when I see people in my workplace ( client location ) struggling to communicate in English. There are many people  who don’t even make an attempt to talk grammatically correct language. They just manage with the bits and pieces they know. Not knowing English is not anybody’s fault. We are not born with any type of skill. We just develop it. But then , when your job demands it , don’t you think we have to make an attempt to “learn” it properly and make every attempt to succeed??  In the movie , whatever may be the circumstances which lead Shashi to learn English , it is the passion with which she learns it ( proper , grammatically correct English ) that is commendable.  

Phones…. Phones and Phones all the way!!!

Well…….. life has changed a lot in the past few years in terms of technology. There used to days when I had a Nokia 1100, a white one and used to be happy messaging and attending calls. I felt that was sufficient. That’s what we use a phone for right? To call people and talk to them. Or at the maximum message them when necessary. If you come in an order ,  we first try to talk to people in person , and if they are not available , would try to reach them through calls and messages. But sadly , now-a- days , it’s the other way around. We first call. It’s so easy right.

These days , a phone is something much  more to people. It has everything………… damn it……… everything…….. You can call , you can message , you can chat , take pics , check internet and the list goes on and on and on…. Phew!!! People can live without their partners for a half day , but without a phone…………… OMG…. No way….. The moment you misplace your phone , your breathing stops. Where is it …. Where is it ?? It has become a mania. People sit together but they don’t talk. They are busy in their own worlds. Their physical proximities and mental proximities are so different. It’s very unfortunate.

God has given us such a precious life. Don’t you think we need to live every moment to the fullest. If you  want to talk , goooooo… meet that friend and talk to her/him. Use your voice , not a mere gadget. Give your 100% to that person without any distractions. Time is precious. So it’s the best gift that you can give to anybody. If you want to play a game , call people , meet people and play with them. Not in your phone. Most of the time I see people coming for dinner in restaurants, but they are busy doing something with their phones. They just don’t respond to each other. Many feel that we socialise much more when we have handy phones where we can check all networking sites anytime .Is this what real socialising means ?

There is no human touch. I am not denying the advantages of having phones. Yes , when you need something , you are at advantage. For example , if you stuck in traffic , you can call and tell your family you will be late. If you need it , it’s always there. But all of us use it a little more often than required….. to the extent that we forget that there is a physical world around us. Priorities are changing because of it and the value of people………. Drecreasing!!

So this is what technology is all about eh ? Nice……. 

My Birth Story and the Healthy Mother Wellness Clinic

I was really fortunate enough to have birthed with Dr Vijaya and her team. It was a different experience altogether. Way back before I was pregnant, normal birth was something that I dreamt about and also thought it is impossible these days.  My mother had two C-sections. Hence I envied two of my aunts who had normal births. It was next to impossible.

But then , once I was pregnant , one of my friends suggested me this “Healthy Mother Wellness Clinic” and I read through its website (http://healthy-mother.com/ ).  I kind of wondered whether it is really possible and I was all praises for Dr Vijaya. I e-mailed her right way about my status and when I would return to India and if taking classes at her center was possible. At that point of time , attending her classes was the only thing that I was looking at. I thought I would be really fortunate enough if I would make it to the classes. Never ever thought of birthing with them. Because , this was not my decision alone , I had to convince my parents and in-laws also for it. So I didn’t want to revolt and make a scene.

I was back in India in August 2011 and  contacted her in the last week of August. My parents and I went to meet her at her clinic to know about the classes. I must say that I was pretty impressed with her. My father always believed the midwifery model of birthing and was quite interested about it too. But my mom wasn’t. Dr Vijaya was a midwife and not a certified OB. And my mom didn’t want to take a chance. So we started the classes. Every Sunday I and my mom would attend the classes. As each class passed by , my confidence in her just kept on increasing and I felt that this is the right place for me. Lots of myths burst out in those classes. We got to know about so many things. My mom was also surprised and quite impressed. I voiced my opinion very strongly that I want to birth in her center. And finally she said she was fine if my husband and in-laws didn’t have a problem. My husband was always with me and wanted my comfort in this. After every class , I would explain everything to him in chat. So he was also very well informed about everything. So he convinced my in-laws.

After my delivery , I can only say that my mom and husband are proud of me and the decision I took to birth with Dr Vijaya. Many hospitals don’t allow our dear ones to be with us during this huge process of delivering a baby. But HM gave me the advantage of having my husband and my mom with me till my baby came out. They were the first ones to see her and my husband cut her umbilical cord. Was it a dream come true?  J  How can I thank Dr Vijaya for this………… seriously.

The classes proved so useful. I used to do all the instructed exercises at home regularly. And I used to walk for atleast half an hour everyday without fail. And there you go…………. Had a natural birth without a single medicine or a single prick on my body………. Completely normal without any type of stitch.

October 24^th 2011:

Around 5 PM in the evening , I went along with my husband for a usual walk for the day. I could sense some type of pain, may be two times in that half an hour but didn’t actually consider it. I thought its fine. And then , as I was getting super bored at home , we thought that we would go to a movie at 7PM in the night. I was just getting dressed for it and suddenly came a huge contraction. I sat on my bed. Now the game starts. I felt that this is something to definitely consider J. From then on , I guess it was one contraction in half an hour or so with very minimal intensity. Called up Dr Vijaya at 8PM and told her about this. She asked me not to worry too much and keep eating and drinking frequently.  I guess I was in my early stage of labour. And this stage depending on our body and the baby can take an hour or an entire week to transition to the next stage. So we just had to calm down and wait.

October 25^th 2011 :

 Till midnight , there was no problem and it continued to be one contraction in half an hour or so. After midnight , the contractions started coming more frequently. Once in 15 mins. But the intensity was not that high. Called up Vijaya and told her the same. No need to worry. Then at around 2 AM in the morning , they started coming once in 10 mins or 7 mins sometimes. Again a call to Vijaya and she suggested my mom to bathe me and pour lukewarm water on my tummy for 20 mins.  It seems that sometimes a hot bath can make us feel really better and at the same time progress the labour. Water works wonders in delivery J. And yes it did for me.  After giving me bath , my mom and husband went to sleep for almost an hour as they were awake and busy noting contractions till then. They were tired. My mom had already packed a bag just incase we need to go to the hospital. After the bath , my contractions became more frequent , once in 3 mins . And the pain had increased a lot. But then , I wanted my mom and hubby to take some rest so didn’t wake them up. Had these 3 mins contractions till 4:30 in the morning. After that , I couldn’t bear the pain and the contractions started coming without and any gap. I just didn’t have time to take a breath. One after the other , one after the other. Then we called Vijaya and she felt that there is lot of time. She heard me through my contraction and said its okay. But then , for my sake , she asked us to come by 7 AM in the morning to the clinic. At 6 AM , we wanted to start and then we realised that there was a power cut from 6 to 7 in the morning.  And I had to climb down 5 floors through the stairs. It was super tough , but then…….. now I feel that that decent made my baby push deep down in the Pelvis. God knows how I sat in the car. The pain was just un-bearable , but then good news was that it gave me a break of some seconds between the contractions and allowed me to breath.

When we arrived at the center , Crystal was there and she checked me and said that I was 100% dilated and my baby was going to come soon. Everybody got a shock. Crystal called up Vijaya and she too was surprised. Later on , she told me how silent I was in my contractions that she couldn’t even guess that the labour has progressed so much.  100% dilated. That means , I had the major part of my labour at home and now it is just the pushing that’s remaining. The baby was already in my birth canal. Initially I dint feel the urge to push but then now I don’t even remember when I started pushing. By now , Dr Vijaya had also arrived and assisting. Within very less time , my baby came out in the position that Dr Vijaya had asked me to use. I was actually not fully aware of what was happening….. I was in some kind of a trance. But my mom remembers every bit of it and says that it was simply amazing  J.

She was immediately placed on my chest and the first thing I noticed were her powerful eyes J. Then  Ravi cut the chord and the umbilical chord and placenta were removed.

What an experience ! Thanks Vijaya and Crystal!! This was something that was just out of the world for me J